Tuesday, January 31, 2012

What the funk?

I have been in the ultimate funk lately. I guess you could call it the winter blues, depression, or a funk. I have thrown my positive attitude out of the window and it feels as though I have exhausted all of my positive reserves as well.

I didn't really want to write, blog, or even think about this funk until I have climbed up from the trenches and it has resolved. Until I've refueled on all the unicorns, rainbows, and "today is a gift" chants. But I keep wondering why the heck isn't this coming easy to me. It should. I truly believe that perspective can change anything, but why can't I currently change my perspective on things?

These past few months have been quite the challenge for our family and for myself. Around mid December I stopped asking, "What more could possibly go wrong?" because things kept going wrong!

From time to time I tell myself; "Suck it up! Pull up your big girl underwear and figure this shit out!" but it feels like the harder I try, the more hours I work, the more effort I put in does not change the way things have been going as of late.

This may sound like one big pity party and the last thing I want is for people that read my blog that see me in person to ever bring this up, but maybe I should be writing about the sruggles I've been facing. Maybe getting it down and out will help me, or maybe there is someone out there in blog land that can relate. Maybe someone else's husband has been forced to take a job with horrible hours that makes them feel like they are never around. Or maybe someone's roof was falling off their truck was wrecked,or their washing machine broke all within the same very expensive month.

Along with all of the other crap going on in life I have been feeling not so great and have been dealing with abdominal pain that sucks. After avoiding the doctor because I just already knew what they were going to tell me, I finally went after having a horrible episode of pain one day at work. The kind of pain where you contemplate laying down in fetal position on an ICU floor that is crawling with every microbe and drug resistant bacteria probably known to man I'm sure. I went and sure enough they found another modertae mass on my one remaining ovary. Of all the crap that I've dealt with these past few months, this part has been by far the worst. I become very selfish and things pop into my mind like, "someone in their mid 20s should not be dealing with this stuff" when in reality anyone at any age should not be having to deal with any of this stuff. I was sent back to the gynecological oncologist to get an opinion and before that appointment I had come across a young patient with ovarian cancer and wanted to throw up from fear.

Instant anxiety. It really makes you think about things.

It's really difficult to share things like this, and I teeter on whether I should share this on a blog. A blog about the fun life of me and my two young girls and all the fun parts of life we share together. I sometimes purposely try to avoid the negative things and only write about the positives because maybe then I'll only remember the good parts. But I guess not today.

Luckily the appointment went okay, my blood test that tests for ovarian cancer came back in normal range,  and the plan of action is just closely monitor it because things get sticky with only having one ovary left and being at a very very premenopausal age. I tend to down play the struggles I face in my life for some reason; maybe to trick others into thinking I'm stronger than I actually am. But after watching my husbands grandma pass very quickly from cancer this winter, its really hard to think about. It's hard to walk into see a doctor when the entrance of the building says "Cancer Care." It really sucks when you call the office for test results of a cancer marker and the person on the other end of the phone takes 30 seconds to find the result and those 30 seconds are panic induced and feel like 30 minutes. It just sucks.

I am forever grateful that I heard good news from all of this, but it still is really hard to process and deal with.

It's very scary.

Sometimes I'm embarrassed that it's so hard for me because others get the horrible news and they have to walk into the Cancer Center daily for treatments, not just follow ups.

I do have two beautiful children that I have been blessed to have with this faulty one ovary of mine. There are good things in all of this, it's just hard to look through the fogs lately to see them. 

Saturday I actually googled things like, "How to get out of a funk." "How to find energy." "How to stay positive." The only really good useful advice I found was to splash some cold water on your face and keep on keepin' on, which has been my current plan. 

I don't really know what the answer is to pull myself from this funk. Maybe all I need is a good change in the weather and to welcome spring as my new beginning.  I did recently start going to the gym again and I think it's been a really good thing for me. It's such a good outlet, stress reliever, and it makes me feel better after a good class or treadmill run. Maybe I need to find my positive perspective again that I've seem to have lost. Or maybe I need to just ride out this storm that I find myself in, even if it's been lasting way longer than anticipated. I'm pretty sure that I haven't lost faith that things will soon fall back into a normal pattern and a normal routine again. Until then, I'm just going to keep truckin' along. Or maybe I'll print out some pictures of rainbows and unicorns and place them all over places I come across in my day.

A new routine will begin this upcoming month of February as I take state boards and obtain an official license to become a Register Nurse. I also transition late in February from my current role on the unit to making my way through New Grad orientation. I am really excited for this season in my life to begin, for maybe it too is a part of the solution to the funk. 

Monday, January 30, 2012

Raigan's 2nd Birthday Party

It has taken me a week, but here are pictures from my daughter Raigan's fabulous farm birthday party. I planned pretty much all year long for this party here and there. I found things here and there on clearance and my mom found things at thrift stores and church sales for super cheap. I recycled a lot of food containers and party bins from previous parties and pulled stuff from my cookout tote I keep in our garage. I bought some fabric, splurged on some cowboy hat and bandana party favors from oriental trading, crafted a little bit, and viola; a fabulous memory for our family, friends, and most importantly my little Raigan. If you can't remember I'll remind her with these pictures.

Raigan's Vegetable Garden (missing it's label)

"Horse Treats"

Monday, January 9, 2012

Keeping the Girls Entertained

I struggle in the winter months. I long for the sun, fresh air, and spending days at the pool with my girls. This winter when I have days off and my husband is working and our littles aren't in preschool I try to find ways to keep them engaged and away from tv, which is hard. We are members of our local Children's museum and enjoy playing at the indoor play place at the mall, but those go-tos aren't an option lately because we are a one car family still since our truck is still being worked on. So we found what we could to occupy ourselves.

And created some 4 year old masterpeices:

And we played with Mellisa and Doug make a face stickers.

We also talked about diversity and how all people are made different with different skin colors and shaped features, it may have gone in one ear and out the other, but at least I tried and will keep trying to teach my girls tolerance and love for everyone.

And then we displayed them for daddy to see when he came home from work:

As much as I struggle with days like this I love them too.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Raigan's Birthday Invitations

I scoured the internet and pinterest to find the perfect invitations for Raigan's second birthday and found about a million that I would have loved to order, but couldn't justify spending the money and well frankly we just don't have the money to spend on birthday invitations. So I went ahead and printed my own and made some myself.

I ordered these Cricut dicuts off Etsy for a few dollars and found some cute wording ideas and typed up our own version in Microsoft Word.

I didn't want the ribbon to fray when I put it on the invitations so I cut strips of the ribbon the length of the invitations and then burned the edges with a large candle lighter. When I was done, I glued them to the top and the bottom.

 I glued the dicuts on and was pleased with the final product and only spent around $10 for all of the invitations, which was a way better price than the ones I had found online already done.

 Can't wait for my little two year old to enjoy her farm birthday party even if it's a few weeks after she actually turned two. 

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