Tuesday, January 31, 2012

What the funk?

I have been in the ultimate funk lately. I guess you could call it the winter blues, depression, or a funk. I have thrown my positive attitude out of the window and it feels as though I have exhausted all of my positive reserves as well.

I didn't really want to write, blog, or even think about this funk until I have climbed up from the trenches and it has resolved. Until I've refueled on all the unicorns, rainbows, and "today is a gift" chants. But I keep wondering why the heck isn't this coming easy to me. It should. I truly believe that perspective can change anything, but why can't I currently change my perspective on things?

These past few months have been quite the challenge for our family and for myself. Around mid December I stopped asking, "What more could possibly go wrong?" because things kept going wrong!

From time to time I tell myself; "Suck it up! Pull up your big girl underwear and figure this shit out!" but it feels like the harder I try, the more hours I work, the more effort I put in does not change the way things have been going as of late.

This may sound like one big pity party and the last thing I want is for people that read my blog that see me in person to ever bring this up, but maybe I should be writing about the sruggles I've been facing. Maybe getting it down and out will help me, or maybe there is someone out there in blog land that can relate. Maybe someone else's husband has been forced to take a job with horrible hours that makes them feel like they are never around. Or maybe someone's roof was falling off their truck was wrecked,or their washing machine broke all within the same very expensive month.

Along with all of the other crap going on in life I have been feeling not so great and have been dealing with abdominal pain that sucks. After avoiding the doctor because I just already knew what they were going to tell me, I finally went after having a horrible episode of pain one day at work. The kind of pain where you contemplate laying down in fetal position on an ICU floor that is crawling with every microbe and drug resistant bacteria probably known to man I'm sure. I went and sure enough they found another modertae mass on my one remaining ovary. Of all the crap that I've dealt with these past few months, this part has been by far the worst. I become very selfish and things pop into my mind like, "someone in their mid 20s should not be dealing with this stuff" when in reality anyone at any age should not be having to deal with any of this stuff. I was sent back to the gynecological oncologist to get an opinion and before that appointment I had come across a young patient with ovarian cancer and wanted to throw up from fear.

Instant anxiety. It really makes you think about things.

It's really difficult to share things like this, and I teeter on whether I should share this on a blog. A blog about the fun life of me and my two young girls and all the fun parts of life we share together. I sometimes purposely try to avoid the negative things and only write about the positives because maybe then I'll only remember the good parts. But I guess not today.

Luckily the appointment went okay, my blood test that tests for ovarian cancer came back in normal range,  and the plan of action is just closely monitor it because things get sticky with only having one ovary left and being at a very very premenopausal age. I tend to down play the struggles I face in my life for some reason; maybe to trick others into thinking I'm stronger than I actually am. But after watching my husbands grandma pass very quickly from cancer this winter, its really hard to think about. It's hard to walk into see a doctor when the entrance of the building says "Cancer Care." It really sucks when you call the office for test results of a cancer marker and the person on the other end of the phone takes 30 seconds to find the result and those 30 seconds are panic induced and feel like 30 minutes. It just sucks.

I am forever grateful that I heard good news from all of this, but it still is really hard to process and deal with.

It's very scary.

Sometimes I'm embarrassed that it's so hard for me because others get the horrible news and they have to walk into the Cancer Center daily for treatments, not just follow ups.

I do have two beautiful children that I have been blessed to have with this faulty one ovary of mine. There are good things in all of this, it's just hard to look through the fogs lately to see them. 

Saturday I actually googled things like, "How to get out of a funk." "How to find energy." "How to stay positive." The only really good useful advice I found was to splash some cold water on your face and keep on keepin' on, which has been my current plan. 

I don't really know what the answer is to pull myself from this funk. Maybe all I need is a good change in the weather and to welcome spring as my new beginning.  I did recently start going to the gym again and I think it's been a really good thing for me. It's such a good outlet, stress reliever, and it makes me feel better after a good class or treadmill run. Maybe I need to find my positive perspective again that I've seem to have lost. Or maybe I need to just ride out this storm that I find myself in, even if it's been lasting way longer than anticipated. I'm pretty sure that I haven't lost faith that things will soon fall back into a normal pattern and a normal routine again. Until then, I'm just going to keep truckin' along. Or maybe I'll print out some pictures of rainbows and unicorns and place them all over places I come across in my day.

A new routine will begin this upcoming month of February as I take state boards and obtain an official license to become a Register Nurse. I also transition late in February from my current role on the unit to making my way through New Grad orientation. I am really excited for this season in my life to begin, for maybe it too is a part of the solution to the funk. 

1 comment:

  1. Ugh.
    Funks suck.

    Yoga helps me, if you can find a place to do good Vinyasa (flow) Yoga. Nothing like working up a good sweat and then being told to close your eyes, lie quietly, and just breathe.

    Hope you're hanging in there today. Just take one more step - eventually you'll get there.


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