Friday, September 14, 2012

To Plan or Not to Plan

I really do enjoy writing, but sometimes there's just nothing in there to write about or there is so much in my brain that I need to get out, write down, or talk it out with a friend over coffee that I find it overwhelming and avoid it instead.

I think it's one of those times. We have a lot going on in our lives right now, mostly all good things, but a lot. Cheerleading and coaching is taking up the majority of our week, then there is Kindergarten and trying to find routines and consistency. On top of that is my work.

My writing here has nothing to do with these photographs, but I love them and I'm just trying to have things flow and inspire me. I think that's the easiest way to write is when you just start writing and don't worry if things connect or are in appropriate order. You just follow your thoughts and write them down and worry about the editing and rearranging later.

There are a few things on my mind lately that I think I should write about but sometimes just am not ready to. How appropriate that the one thing has been my confidence as of late. When I was a 17 year old, I was the most confident person. I thought the cliche was that in high school you're the least sure of yourself and the direction you want to take in life, but it wasn't true for me. I knew where I wanted to go to college, who my friends were, succeeded at my job as a student, and had a firm grasp on how my future was going to play out.

Today, in  my mid 20s and a mother to these two little blessings, I'm at a take it take by day basis, because I'm not really sure what direction tomorrow is headed and even when I make plans, the plans don't always go as planned. Perhaps I was really naive at 17 and thought when you work hard enough to go in a direction that journey to your goal will be a straight line. I have definitely found this to be untrue. I have been so unsure about a lot of things lately and am even unsure about needing a plan for the future or goals. My plan currently is, like I said, to take it day by day and to just enjoy the way things happen on their own. Maybe the best plan is to not even have a plan at all.

I have always been a planner though. I need to know what I'm working towards. It gives me drive. Now that I'm done with school, own a home, and have chosen a school for my girls,  and have settled into a very comfortable place there isn't anything immediate in need of future plans. But the weirdo planner that I am,  find that a little unsettling. But I'm working on it. I'm working on enjoying the fact that things are comfortable and the way that they are supposed to be. Perhaps, I just need to find a hobby.

My work is another thing I feel like I must plan. Last night when I was at work people were talking about in the future going back to school for their masters, changing jobs, moving to a different department eventually and I was asked what my plans were.

My thoughts were, " hmm, they asked me what my plans are at the only point in my life thus far where I don't possess a plan for anything."

And my response was, "I don't know, I plan to stay here in the ICU until I figure out what I want to be when I grow up."

Then a coworker said, "Well, I think an ICU nurse is a really good place to start." and from the tone of her voice, I heard, shut up- you should be very proud of being an ICU nurse and you don't need a plan to move anywhere else, because being here is already quite an accomplishment.I wish my constantly churning mind would get that memo. Another plan, since I need them is to convince myself of this.

When I see these pictures it is so crazy to me that my little baby with lots of dark brown hair has grown into this beautiful confident little girl. She is so strong willed, an excelling reader, and I'm excited to watch her grow everyday. Her and her funny little sister.

It's milk in this coffee cup, but sister does enjoy sneaking sips of my coffees.

Future plans:

1. Stop making plans and enjoy things the way they are.
2. Survive and even enjoy Kindergarten.
3. Go apple pickin'

the end.

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